Today is National Coming Out Day, so I’d like to express my love and support for all those struggling with – or embracing! – their gender and/or sexual identities, and tell you all about my own struggle with self identity.
When I was young, I hated boys. Boys were stupid. Not in the way of “ew, boys have cooties”, but straight up disliked them. They made me very uncomfortable, and I was teased incessantly – especially after I hit puberty and my breasts went from a B in grade 5 to a DD in grade 7. I never had crushes on boys like the other girls in my school, except for one. When I was 6, the skirt my mom made me tore and fell down, and everyone but one boy laughed. That boy brought me an apron from the kitchen play area to cover up, and after that moment, I had a crush on him almost until the end of elementary school.
When high school hit, I dated a few boys, but wasn’t super into the dating. I didn’t experience serious sexual attraction until I slept over at a girlfriend’s house and had some seriously confusing dreams about her while she was sleeping next to me. After that, I was half in love with her for years.
I lost my virginity at 18 to the first guy I’d had a long-ish relationship with, and he was very nice about it. After that, I dated a few men, and slept with a couple, but was never really attracted to men. I couldn’t just look at a guy and drool, you know? I can still appreciate someone’s attractiveness, but I can’t just look at a person and think of sleeping with them just because they’re “hot”.
I can’t remember exactly when I found the word that I identify with, but I know it was on Wikipedia. I identify as demisexual. Basically, it means I don’t form sexual attraction based on physical appearance, which probably why I never really had a physical “type” – sexual attraction for me grows purely out of emotional attraction. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a sex drive. I do. Even so, sometimes I feel weird about it – when I talk to friends about who’s hot, for example – but I’ve learned ways to integrate myself into these conversations, like how attracted I am to certain entertainers based on the characters they portray.
If you’ve only just joined me in my blogging adventures, I’m married to a man, but the fact that I’m married to a man doesn’t change my sexual identity.
PS. You know, writing this, it occurs to me that this might explain my lack of confidence in my own physical appearance. I don’t find myself physically attractive because I don’t really like myself all that much sometimes, and I don’t like myself because I don’t find myself physically attractive
Self reflection FTW?