School · Writing

An Honest Graduate Admission Essay

Dear [University],

The field I am most interested in is [field closely resembling, but not identical to,your most up-and-coming program]. By obtaining a MA in this, I hope to go on to do my PhD and be not only simultaneously over- and under-qualified for every job I apply to, but hope to find a niche so abstract that schools have no choice but to give me tenure – or perhaps a corner in the library where I might cry undisturbed.

I graduated my BA Honors (did I mention it’s a BA with honors?) with reasonably decent marks, except for that blip where I had a small stress-induced breakdown, but let’s not focus on that part since my grades improved a lot afterwards. I’m really clever – everyone tells me so! – and I’m certain I’d be an excellent fit for your school because I will do literally anything to go there. I’ve worked retail, so I’m really exceptional at lying, and I took English, Religion and Philosophy, so I’m a pro at bullshit. Also, I took Culinary Arts, so I can produce massive amounts of cookies at a moment’s notice, which will be great come exam time when everyone is freaking out.

Some of my very desirable skills (other than my BA Honors from U of T – yes, that U of T) include writing things last minute that turn out pretty good, reading a lot, and, above all, procrastinating. I’m a pro at it, let me tell you. I have learned how to procrastinate on doing things with other things I’m supposed to be doing – it’s a great system, let me tell you, since it means I’m always on time for everything, though perhaps overflowing with tea and Netflix. I’m also a very homebody sort of person, so I’m good at not making the school look bad due to wild drinking binges or sex scandals. I’m married, too, so I promise I won’t be sleeping with anyone but my husband to help improve my grades (because he’ll help me edit my work, unless you don’t like peer reviewing, in which case he isn’t even home when I do homework).

I’ll be a great fit at [University] because I read you have [that professor] who has done extensive work in [that thing I like], and I would love to work with them, or perhaps even [this other professor I googled]. I also have read a Wikipedia summary lot about your [Department]’s work in [field], and I am inspired by your excellent dedication to the student experience. I know [your school] is the right fit for me, and will help me launch a brilliant career in [my desired field], so please, please, pretty please send me an acceptance letter, and maybe some funding, because I already owe OSAP my first born and I really don’t want to go through giving birth more than twice.

Yours, most desperately sincerely,

Me.

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